If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you may have picked up that my family situation is not a happy one. Communication is as low as a balloon filled with lead and social interaction is near enough a crime, even during mealtimes. Over the summer, a new form of mis-communication has begun and this time it’s internet based.
I had a lovely evening out tonight with a couple of friends, so I wasn’t in the house at all this evening and I came home to this on my news feed (the purple is my step-mum).
6 people liked it and her friends, people I know and get on well with, have commented. What really saddens me is the blue is one of my best friend’s mum – someone I consider a friend myself and someone I might escape to if things get bad. She tried to be positive, but it does embarrass me that she had to read that and get involved. I’m the only child home, so there’s no doubt this one’s about me. . But I don’t know what I’m supposed to have done. The kitchen (I’m pretty sure) was clean and tidy when I left, I ate out (which she knew about in advance) so no cooking was involved, I didn’t leave my shoes by the door or any of my stuff around the house seeing as the only room in the house i actually use is my bedroom. The dishwasher was going as I left, so I couldn’t have put that away. She hasn’t said a word to me and a lack of willingness to have a conversation/ look at me isn’t a sign of anything, because that’s normal behaviour.
I can’t think what I’ve done and this sets my anxiety off. Before I went away to Uni she used to punish me for something I’d done but not say a word or tell me I was being punished. So I’d find something was missing or something that she wasn’t doing something she usually did etc and I’d immediately start to panic, going over my actions for the last few days, wondering what I’d done, whether I was actually being punished or not, whether I should approach her or not, if I needed to apologise, and what for? Anyone who suffers from anxiety or depression will know that this manifests itself in a deep fear in the pit of your stomach, makes you feel hugely guilty and afraid when you see the person and therefore means you retreat further into yourself, unsure about what is safe to say, do or look at. It affects your entire being and has a power over you way more than a sensible, adult conversation would have because, psychologically, it means someone has control over you. In reality I have a deep fear of both my parents (psychologically, not the thriller kind. I’ not abused or anything!).
Earlier in the summer, I came home to this.
I am the first complaint.
1. No communication. No-one in the family new she was planning a roast, so didn’t plan for it.
2. One side of the story. I had asked Dad, stating very, very clearly that is was 100% o if he said no, if I could have a lift home. I would have been perfectly happy to receive a negative. Being picked up from the station was literally the furthest I could go by public transport, getting a cab in our town is near on impossible and I was happy to walk, which i communicated. And Dad said he was fine with it. She was the only one to have a problem.
3. I don’t go out very much.
As a general point this kind of attack just seems to be very, very childish. Don’t you grow out of bitching on facebook by about 13 years old? It just seems vastly immature – nasty statuses aimed at others, aside from being unkind, just aren’t something that adults do! She’s nearly 50. If I were to put ‘So sick of being home. Horrible to have to get used to being made to feel worthless again :(‘ as my status, not only would my friends (rightly) rip into me for attention seeking (which it would be) but it’s also going to hurt someone else, which isn’t what you do on facebook Never do something that’s sole aim is to hurt someone else! Just never! It’s not only childish, it’s wrong!
I am not saying she’s not allowed to feel this. I don’t think she has to feel this, if she’d be willing to let down her defenses, talk and embrace the idea of actually having a family (my step-sister and I were welcomed back by being told, fairly aggressively, that our being back meant more work for her and that if we didn’t obey her rules she’d change the internet password and cut us off from it, rather than a ‘welcome home, it’s nice to see you. This was as we were both voluntarily washing up. As previously stated, the only room of the house I use is my bedroom.) But I’m not saying she shouldn’t feel this or talk about it. Just talk about it with friends or your husband rather than publicly broadcasting what a bad person I am to the internet, when I don’t think (at least I hope) I’ve done anything wrong.
I’ve been trying really, really hard to be a better daughter recently…
(For those of you who know me, I’m not upset, crying, having a panic attack or anything else. it just makes me sad and a bit tired, that’s all :/ )